"Here Comes the Bride?"

A four-year-old in my class sketched this picture of a wedding that she went to over the weekend. She entitled it "Here Comes the Bride." From the looks of things, I'm not sure this couple should be getting married. The groom seems pretty skeptical...

Newest reason to love Seatmate:

Elbow steps out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where Seatmate is reading. She is getting ready to go out, and is wearing nothing but makeup and mousse.

Seatmate: "Wooo! Lookin' good, Babe."

Elbow: "But I'm not dressed yet."

Seatmate: (in an almost perverted voice) "Exaaaaaccctly."


I do love him so.

Just when I thought I'd seen it all...

Chai-scented deodorant.

It was the first and only time I have giggled in the deodorant section of a drugstore. There's usually nothing funny there. Imagine my surprise.

The better part is that under the "instructions" portion of the product, we are reminded that we are only to apply this to our UNDERARMS, and nowhere else for goodness sakes!

Goodbye Mr. Wrong

I recently got this card from my lovely discosister back home. It's the best engagement card I've ever seen. (Inside, it reads "Hello to becoming the Mrs.") Funnily enough, I believe I dated at least one of each of those species of men before I found Seatmate.

Start Spreadin' the News...

The drama level has increased in my life lately (Mom's inconvenient cancer has been trying to stage a comeback), and I needed one precious day away from everything. What better place to go than the place where, if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere. Last Thursday, I spent one glorious day in New York, New York. I have never had a bad time in that city, and I'm sure that my Guardian (Marguerite) lives there. First stop, the glorious SoHo, to have a delicious chocolate pear tart with my longtime "teaching twin." We went to a wonderful little cafe called Once Upon a Tart (onceuponatart.com) with a window chock-full of yummy pastries (sugar and fat-free, I'm sure).



We then went to one of my favorite SoHo shops-- Evolution (theevolutionstore.com). This shop is like the Museum of Natural Science but you can touch everything and buy things, too. Imagine running your fingers over a fossil that is more than 30 million years old! Usually, that stuff is behind glass, but not in Evolution.



Then I left my friend and went out on my own to Brooklyn, to visit an incredible perfume shop I had read about. Perfume is no fun to buy on the web... a pilgrimage was in order. I schlepped myself to CB I Hate Perfume and spent more than an hour filling my nose with scents like "garden tomato" "bonfire" and "roast beef." I ended up buying a few lovely scents such as "green vine" "white soap" and "california roll." In that shop, I was a little girl, trying on Mom's perfume. I even got to meet the owner, Christopher Brosius. It was just what I imagined it would be.






As I left that evening, I felt a little like New York during the last few years-- knocked on my ass, but slowly rebuilding.

Say hello to my lil' friend...

So, I'm walking down Mass. Ave today and I hear yelling. It's coming from a skin-headed man with loads of tattoos, standing with a woman and two small children. The man is screaming at a young girl, who looks to be about five, and grabbing at her arm. He says through gritted teeth, "When we get home, I'm going to give you a SPANKING, ok?" The girl and boy, who is about three, are both weeping softly and looking terrified. As I walk past them, the two adults are too involved to notice that I am watching. About 20 yards away, I turn around to see what is happening. I watch the man scream, "Do you see what the sign says? DO YOU SEE WHAT THE SIGN SAYS?" Then he hits the little girl in the face. At this point, the woman looks up and sees me watching. The man looks at the woman and then at me. For a moment, our eyes meet and my eyes narrow as I give him a quizzical look, as if to say, "Do you realize what you're doing?" I turn on my heel, and casually walk away as he screams unintelligible curse words at me.
Have you ever wished for a police badge and a gun? I sure have. This would have been the perfect situation for it. I would have walked confidently up to the couple, put the badge up with my left hand, grasped my gun in the holster and said, "Elbow... Boston P.D. Did I just witness you STRIKE that little girl in the FACE?" Man, it would have been sweet to have the authority to get up in his face and make him feel one IOTA of the fear that the little girl was feeling. It really boils my blood to see adults treat young children like that. I've been working with five-year-olds for almost 20 years and no child has EVER done something that would make me that mad. People like that need a good dose of fear and authority staring down on them. What I wouldn't give to scare him just enough for him to pee in his pants just a little...

Long White Dresses

Recently had my first experience trying on wedding gowns (or as I like to call them, "long white dresses.") Last weekend, I went to have a "rough draft" session at a low-end chain bridal shop. While the salesperson was very nice, the dresses were not to my liking (what's up with all the strapless, beaded crap?) In any case, I left the store feeling like a dressless, beached whale (mental note: fake bake before next session).
The next session was today, a spontaneous decision brought on by a challenging week with my students, a free night, and late hours at the bridal salon. This session was vastly different from the last one, and I really enjoyed myself. Here are a few reasons why:
1. The dressing rooms were like small condominiums, with flattering lighting and lots of strong hooks on the walls.
2. The lighting made my ring look extra sparkly. :)
3. I did not act like a Bridezilla, so the woman who helped me did not act like Shopgirlzilla. In fact, she was lovely.
4. I found out that I am almost the perfect "sample" size, which means I can try on anything on the floor and it fits well.
5. The dress I liked best was the cheapest of the bunch. (still, it cost as much as an average round-trip ticket to Hawaii)
6. The staff kept having reasons to refer to my "fiance, " which always sounds so nice, I have to admit. (Sometimes Seatmate calls me "Fiance" or "Future Wife" just because he knows it makes my toes curl. :)

But the best reason of all:

The salon also carries prom gowns, so there were tons of teeny bopper girls and their mothers in there, looking around. Every time I would emerge from my dressing room in a gorgeous gown, there were lots of gasps, oohs and aahs. The girls would say, "Look! She's getting married." And, "Ooh look Mom, there's a bride." And I would stand there on my pedestal (yes, they actually have pedestals) and look all bridely and glowy and happy.

What fun!

So here's my recent observation: There are tons of unworn/unaltered dresses on ebay and craigslist because some girl has bought a dress, and then changed her mind and decided on a different dress. Some of the first-purchase gowns cost upwards of $4000! How in the world could you NOT be serious about blowing four grand on a GARMENT that you are going to wear ONCE? These are probably the grown-up versions of those twits on "My Sweet Sixteen." In any case, even though I found a gorgeous, reasonably-priced gown today, it doesn't mean that I am going to pounce on it like a cheetah and fore go all the fun of trying on every last non-beaded, non-strapless gown in this damn city! I think those poor "two-dress" souls have gotten a case of a disease I like to call "Seeingmyselfinaweddinggownforthefirsttimeandlosingallsenseofreason" syndrome. I was discussing this problem with a young colleague at work today, who is also planning her wedding. In retrospect, I am glad I didn't insult the "two-dress" girls too much...

Turns out, my colleague's FIRST dress is on ebay for $2000. :)

Pop Goes the Question

Last night, alone on the observation deck of the Prudential building, my Sweetie dropped to his knee and asked me if I would spend the rest of my life with him.

He offered me something sparkly...





.... so I said



My cheeks still hurt from smiling. :)

Oh....My......

So, I hop out of the shower and stroll into the living room, where the TV was broadcasting "Breaking News." At last! It was the long-awaited result of the Anna Nicole trial in which a court was to determine who was going to get her rotten, stinky remains ("Ooh, I do! I do!")

Truth be told, I couldn't care less about any of this crap. Like OJ and JonBenet, this craziness is just brain candy for bored, gossipy people who have nothing better to do but sit in front of the TV and delve into other's personal lives. HOW is this ANY of our business? How pathetically desperate for cognitive stimulation do you have to be to give more than a half-ounce of crap about this case? Apparently many people do care, because they broke into several reputable programs to broadcast this news. As I was scooting around the channels to see how many stations thought this was more important than their regular programming, I saw the judge of the case literally BREAK DOWN as he read the ruling. Sniffling and weeping, he dramatically tapped on his bench to get his composure. You have GOT to be kidding me! It makes me so sad that our country has reached the point where a JUDGE (an individual who is appointed to decide cases in a court of law) would turn his courtroom into a freakshow by being unable to keep control of his own emotions during a ruling. I would rather french kiss Wilford Brimley for a full three minutes than watch one more moment of that puke-inducing dramafest.

I'm now officially scared of daytime television. Somebody get me back to work. Stat.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/74/Wilford-Brimley-03.jpg

Yummy!


UPDATE: If I was at work today, I would have missed the opportunity to watch "Michael Bolton-- A Tribute on Ice" (an ACTUAL show)
I pity the skaters, who likely had to listen to Bolton's whiny voice over and over again as they rehearsed.

Gimmee an M!

My Mom is getting her first dose of chemo today. She is such an ass kicker.

To get rid of her inconvenient cancer, her brilliant doc has concocted a lovely mixture of two asskicking drugs: Oxsaliplatin and Gemzar. In her honor, I have created the first image of the Official Mascot of her Winning Team:

Say hello to Sally Platypus (with Gems):



(She looks timid, but she's got sharp teeth in that duckbill)

Go Mommer!

Introducing...

And now for something completely different.

I have decided to name my breasts.

This revelation came from being in the Philadelphia airport and having so many men blatantly stare at them that I thought--since they were so intriguing-- that they should have the ability to be introduced, thereby needing names. Hell, they both seem to have moods and personalities anyway, so what's the difference?

Instantly, I thought the one on my right should be Claire, for reasons still unknown to me (and Claire). She just seems like a Claire. Easy enough, but what about my left one? I thought it might be nice and ironic to name a breast after a man. After all, the left breast was the one that has always given me a little trouble. Moody and a little saggier than Claire. This was going to be tricky. So I turned to the person who knows them best (after me and perhaps a smattering of gynecologists)-- Seatmate. I explained the situation, and he was happy to help with the naming (he is a good man). He had some solid suggestions: Theodore and Francis to name a few, but they just didn't seem right. Then all of a sudden, he came up with the Father of All Male Breast Names-- BUSTER! I loved it immediately for the not-so-subtle use of the word "bust", but then Seatmate had an even better use of the name. Picture this: A lecherous man feels the need to visually size up my melons, and I walk right up to him and ask, "What are you looking at, Buster?" He stumbles back, stunned that a bubbly, smiley-type woman would approach him in such a threatening manner. But then I repeat, "Are you looking at Buster? Or Claire? Because personally I would be looking at Claire today because she is slightly perkier than Buster." Confused, he slinks away, swearing that he will now keep his eyes above the neck, where they belong.

So, here they are, Ladies and GentleLecherousMen:



Claire and Buster.

P.S. I hope the link works!

Curious

You meet all kinds of people when you are out in the city on a weeknight. When I was on the Silver Line this evening, I stood next to a woman who was young and quite petite, wearing a lavender coat. When she reached up to hold the bar, her sleeve slipped down and I caught a glimpse of her watch. It was a large silver men's watch-- but on her delicate wrist it looked positively huge. I was instantly sucked into morbid curiosity about why she would be wearing a timepiece that was so obviously wrong for her body type. It couldn't have been a gift, and I didn't think she would have chosen it for herself. I decided it was from a man, but who, and why? Just as my curiosity began to wane, I noticed a new twist: the second hand wasn't moving--the watch was stopped at 5:03. Ooh, now I could barely contain myself... a young, slim woman wearing a huge men's watch that was wasn't working. Why? My mind reeled at the possibilities. A stolen timepiece from a man who'd broken her heart at that exact moment? A brother who'd been shipped off to Iraq? A father or grandfather who had passed away, but was not nearly forgotten? A friend lost in the World Trade Center? Just as I was considering the possibility of gently inquiring about the watch, she rang the bell and slipped through the back doors into the night. It took me about a half hour to stop thinking about this woman and her watch. But by then, I had become curious about why I was so damn curious...

Shopen Lis

Today, my kindergarten students are making pizza. We are using a toaster oven and english muffins as the crust. Yesterday, they made a "shopen lis" for me to take to the store to purchase ingredients. They spelled the words. Let's see if you can figure out what they wanted me to buy. You get one point per right answer. I will post the right answers at a later time, so you can't cheat.

(Hint- all the ingredients are pretty reasonable pizza toppings, and many are spelled phonetically):

mufins
ches
prone
merm
grnpers
brcle
redprs
sos
tmto
pnppl
unyn

bonus points for the other things listed:
uvin
plts
nakin
tesyous

Good luck!

It's Friday (finally)

My report cards are done.

My weekend is free.

My tummy is full of delicious oatmeal.

Life is good.

Heeeeeeellllppppp!

I'm trapped under report cards.

Is it Friday yet?
I put Mommer on a plane at a godawful hour this morning. She's using amerkin airlines. I've heard that amerkin is reliable, professional and safe.
Everyone at the airport watched her using amerkin. She seems to like using amerkin.

(Look it up.)

Ryan

This is a photo I took of my cousin's son Ryan last July. Isn't he just chewable?

Seatmate

I have a Sweetie.
Here, he is going to be called Seatmate (so nobody can track him down and steal him away from me).

Here is one of his best features...


The image is blurry on purpose. When he smiles, he has these lines that seem to emphasize the joyful expression. He flashes that smile of his, and I will do nearly anything for him. To his credit, he has not used this fact for evil purposes.

Last May, less than 24 hours after my dear Grandmother died, we found out that my Mom's cancer appeared to have returned. I received the bad news at work, and with a great deal of squealing and screeching, my world quickly ground to a halt. I somehow found my way to Seatmate's house, where he greeted me at the door with the following antidotes to my condition:

1. a cup of tea
2. that tremendous smile of his

I have since asked him to be my roommate. He accepted, and we are now Happily Living in Sin.

So, why the name "Seatmate," you ask? Well, my life has turned into quite a rollercoaster, and every time I feel like I'm about to hit another big dip, I turn to my left and there he is, with a cup of tea and a smile.

All I can say to him is, thank you... and get comfortable.

If She's "J-Lo"...

Allow me to introduce myself. My name begins with an L and my last name connects with the number 007, so my Jennifer Lopezeque name would be "L-Bo" or Elbow. (My clever friend from kindergarten figured that out one day and it stuck.)

I found out about blogspot through my Mom (against the rules of grammer, the word "Mom" will always be capitalized in this blog, because my Mom is a Capital Person. Ditto for Dad.). Mom is currently being inconvenienced by an exotic cancer. ("Exotic" meaning rare.) FYI, the word "cancer" will always be lowercase. Although the cancer has not stopped her from cruising the world and laughing every day, it has caused us to feel like we are on a rollercoaster most of the time. We have found that, if you have to be on a rollercoaster, it's fun to bring your friends along for distraction/comfort/to keep you from puking. Even though my Mom seems to have a million friends, she is always looking for more, so she went scouring the Internet to find others who might be riding rollercoasters of their own. She has found several here at Blogspot. In fact, she actually MET someone in person the other day. Hooray for virtual friendship!

More about me later...